Who the fuck is this dramatic person that sticks its head up every few days/weeks/months? It might be your hormonal alter ego. One of my friends calls it her Hulk. She gets so annoyed that the least bit of annoyance makes her explode. But you could actually embrace this little big Hulk. See her as a major sign of things to come or things that have been there but were buried underneath a cloud of conformity.

On not-Hulk-days, you try to be as good as you can, not angering people or getting ‘too emotional’. But these emotional outbursts are actually beautiful signs you should listen to. You might have noticed that pushing down emotions doesn’t really help. Usually, they get worse and worse. So why not try to look at them? Maybe not in the moment, because just like any other person, I know it’s difficult to accept emotions when you feel them. But see if you can reflect on it later. Write down the situation you were in and the reaction you had. Question yourself why you might have had that reaction, and take yourself seriously. It’s okay to have a reaction. You might not always feel like this but it might be a sign you should look at.

Anger is also an awesome reaction you can look at. Things you’re passionate about make you angry. You might have to set some boundaries, get into a different field of work, or if that’s too much, try volunteering to solve the thing that makes you angry. For example, I can get unreasonably angry with apps that don’t work or signs (for example, road signs or toilet signs) that are unclear. So maybe I should get into design again and make something better. I had a period in life where I got really angry with the injustices done to animals, so I got into politics and added my two cents there. Not that it changed something but at least I could do something with my anger. Not doing anything with it often just makes it worse.

So instead of getting angry with yourself for feeling big emotions, give yourself a big thank you for showing what way to go and do something with it.

I was walking with a family member, and he bumped into a colleague of his. He tried to have a short chat with him but didn’t get much feedback. When he held his fist up for a fist bump, he was left hanging. He patted him on the shoulder, and we walked away, him smiling and telling me how he knew the guy. I felt so awkward. In my eyes, the guy clearly didn’t really want to talk to him and was kind of trying to ignore him. But when we walked on, he didn’t really seem to care. He was just proud to show me that he knew him. When I got home, I reflected on the awkward feeling I experienced. It felt useless but very uncomfortable. These days, I try to identify the uncomfortable feelings I get and try to find out why I got them and then simply google it. And of course, there was someone that described this feeling perfectly. The article on Cleveland Clinic told me more about ‘What is second-hand embarrassment and how can you stop it’.

I’ll try to put it in my own words and apply it to this scenario.

Living vicariously through others

Did you ever feel happy by looking at happy people? Or feel love when you see a couple sharing a lovely moment? You would classify this as a positive feeling. In short, it’s empathy. A lovely and very useful feeling in relation to others. If a person you love tells you something that made them sad, it’s great for the relationship to feel with them and show them empathy. The thing is, this empathy also shows itself with embarrassed feelings. A less useful feeling and for most people an uncomfortable feeling. Brene Brown explains in her books that the feeling of shame literally hurts. Where love makes you feel warm inside, shame and embarrassment make you feel pain. And of course, it doesn’t help that you can feel shame ‘for’ someone even without the person themselves feeling shame.

All feelings are useful

Like other negative feelings like sadness, anger, frustration, etc., shame is a feeling that makes you fully human. It gives you a signal that can generate action. Which is a positive thing. For example, if a person is blowing up at a waiter because they didn’t get ketchup with their burger, it’s perfectly fine to stand up to the person and protect the waiter. Or when people’s indifference toward climate change frustrates you, you can choose to dedicate some time to the cause and make a positive change. Feelings are there to feel and act. Or let go. Shame or embarrassment is one of those feelings you can often just let go. This is because shame is often based on learned behavior. You ‘should’ not do this or this is ‘weird’ behavior. If you see a person with a post-it on their back with the words ‘kick me’ on it, you can feel embarrassed and continue with your life. Maybe even laugh about it. But you could also do something. Take action. Walk up to the person and take the post-it off. You can choose to tell the person or choose to protect the person from embarrassment. I would even say that you could just not feel it’s something that should feel embarrassing.

Change focus

In the scenario I sketched for you above, with my family member, I could’ve acted differently. My usual tendency is to ‘protect’ the person. So I pull them out of the situation or add something to the scene that deflects the awkwardness from the other person or I even address the awkwardness. I don’t want to ‘deal’ with the feeling of embarrassment. After reading the article about this second-hand shame, I know I have another option: I can change focus. Because I don’t have to rescue or protect the other person because they often don’t feel the shame or maybe don’t even care what the other person thought of them. Who am I to tell them they should feel embarrassed? So next time, I’ll choose to change focus. I’ll maybe talk to a different person, look around for something more interesting, or I could even get my phone and look at that for a while. For me, this feels much more respectful to the person than trying to rescue them.

Learning to deal with second-hand shame

Of course, this was not a one-time thing. This has been a theme in my life. My mom is the best at embarrassing herself. The thing is, she doesn’t care. She has always told me that she doesn’t care. So why should I protect her from something she doesn’t care about? And now I’m older, I know what she was talking about. I love singing and dancing in public places. If there is a great song on in the supermarket, I’ll whistle along or even move along. And people usually don’t care. They are way too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them. My ’embarrassing’ behavior might even make them feel better about themselves. And I’m having fun singing and dancing, so who is the victim here? No one, right? But when I’m with someone that is ashamed of my behavior, they will feel second-hand shame and tell me to stop acting the way I am. They will, in this way, hurt me by telling me to act differently because I can’t be myself, and they are hurt by my behavior because of the second-hand shame. So why not take a breath, shift focus, and care a little less about feeling the shame you think you should feel for the other.

Stop, breathe, stop judging, and shift focus.

The past three months have marked a remarkable transformation in my life. Change has always been a constant companion, a continuous ebb and flow. Sometimes going up and sometimes going down. When I used to tell people about not feeling alright, they often struggled to see the difference. To them, I seemed unchanged.

But now, something has shifted, and people around me can see it too. They say, “You sound different. Your energy is calm.” And it’s true—I feel this newfound calmness within myself. Where ADHD used to define my entire personality, I sense it loosening its grip. It’s not that I’m discrediting the reality of my ADHD, but I’m no longer the caricature I once was.

In the past, I often felt like a loose cannon, perhaps not that extreme, but within my own mind, it felt that way. In recent months, I’ve delved into understanding why this was the case. I realized that my self-image was fragile, leading me to constantly defend myself or sway like an autumn leaf in the wind, absorbing the energy and opinions of those around me. However, as I’m learning to embrace my true self and the responsibility that comes with it, I feel a disconnect from the unhealthy tether that bound me to others.

Don’t get me wrong; I feel more connected than ever, but there’s a newfound presence of my inner self in these interactions. I can finally think for myself while simultaneously listening to others. I stand steady on my feet and no longer feel compelled to defend my self-image because I’ve gained a sense of self-assuredness. It’s not an easy feat. The urge to slip back into that desperate energy still exists, but now I can catch myself in the moment or afterward. And when it’s afterward, I now have ways to return to my true self.

My mantra while writing in my journal has been simple: “What do I want? What do I think?” I repeatedly ask myself this question, sometimes even intentionally thinking the opposite of what the other person wants or having a completely opposing viewpoint. Then, I give myself the time to think. What is it I really think about this?

Another significant change has been the acceptance of my own random thoughts. For some reason (I’m still learning, but it’s all explained in the  book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ book), I used to be ashamed of my own thoughts and would shun them. I wouldn’t allow myself to think, “This is a foolish thing to say of this person,” or “You look like shit today.” Because being kind and liked had become my goal in life. During my teens and twenties, I was often painted as the “bad guy” or a “bitch.” Of course, I never wanted to be that person. So, I punished myself for having those “bad” and “judgy” thoughts, believing they made me a terrible person.

Now that I’ve granted myself permission to have these thoughts and accept them as not necessarily true but valid because, after all, I’m human, I’ve noticed that I’m gentler towards myself and more respectful of my inner self. I’ve come to realize that I can have these thoughts and still be a kind person. I used to bend my own boundaries to appease others because I never thought it was possible to be honest and liked at the same time. Disagreeing was never on my list of acceptable behaviors, which left me with only three options: agree, tirelessly try to convince others of my perspective, or leave the situation, conversation, or even the relationship.

In the past three months, numerous changes have occurred simultaneously, reshaping my perception of both myself and others. It appears that people around me sense this transformation as well, and that’s fricking beautiful. Not only do I feel better, but my loved ones also seem more at ease in my presence. It’s not a simple journey, but I’ve made a promise to myself to actively continue this personal growth, and I intend to keep that promise.

I’ve never been a great cook. I’ve made my own dinner for about 18 years now, but I still fuck about in the kitchen. I just don’t really care for cooking. So when I became an au pair for a family with a busy and stressful life, I did everything to avoid having to cook. I just didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I was staying in Italy, and Italians are PICKY about food. I could never live up to those standards. When the moment came where I was responsible for the cooking, I asked everything. What spoon should I use? What pot is best for this? How much salt should I use? Until I finally saw the effect this had on the mom in the family, she sighed and told me to figure it out myself, she was just happy to not have to think about it right now. It took a few times before the message landed. She wants me to cook because she has a lot on her mind. Cooking was stressful because the two toddlers in the household always complained about the food. And she was fed up with it. I figured out that it didn’t matter what I made, she just wanted me to carry the responsibility for the food, so the complaining was not about her cooking but about mine. It seems like a small thing to some people, but I could totally understand.

Once that message had landed, I had no problem whatsoever. I knew I could cook. I knew how stuff worked. I knew what to use. I didn’t really care that it wasn’t up to their standards because they asked me to cook. That’s fine, but I’ll do what I can. No more, no less. No, what I made was not particularly good, but the family ate dinner at the time it was planned, and mom was a little less stressed and, of course; fed.

It takes just a moment to let a lesson people have tried to teach you for years finally sink in. Now I see that I did it with everything; how do you want me to load the dishwasher? Where do I put these clean dishes? What should I use to clean the floors? And even the question “What can I do for you?” to a person you see and know is overwhelmed. They can’t tell you what they need. They need everything! They need you to fucking figure it out by yourself. You know what needs to be done, do whatever you can and want to do. I don’t care.

It’s so interesting to me that now that I see it, I can’t unsee it. And it’s so strange to me now that I didn’t see it sooner. I saw the videos online about emotional labor, but never thought I was doing it myself. I always saw that behavior in the partners of friends who were complaining about them. Never for me. Now that I see it, I’m ashamed of what I asked of people. Or well, maybe not ashamed, because I was never doing it on purpose and I genuinely thought I made it easier and nicer for the other person to be as ‘flexible’ as I was. But I’m very happy I finally learned my lesson. The lesson in becoming a true adult; someone who knows how to fucking load the dishwasher and cook dinner.

What makes something a difficult decision? I don’t label a lot of things as decisions because I always change my mind, and I’ve made peace with that part of me. I could make it very philosophical, but in this case, I’ll put myself in the shoes of the person who asked me the question to be able to give some advice.

If you make a decision, go for it! If you change your mind, go for it!

The moment you make a decision it doesn’t really matter if that is the ‘right’ decision. You’ll never know if something is the right decision until you’ve made it. You probably recognize this from mulling over something you’re going to do, maybe a social situation or a trip. You can plan and plan and plan but things never work out the way you thought they would work out. You’d say you’ve wasted a lot of time thinking about it right? There is a certain amount of thinking that is useful, after that, it gets wasteful. Only after the fact can you see if it was the ‘right’ decision. But if it wasn’t the right decision, you probably learned from it.

Talk to the people around you

But never do what they tell you to do. That might sound strange, but I’m serious. The only thing you want to discover while talking to someone about decision-making is what feeling it gives you. What feeling do you get when you explain door number one, and what feeling do you get when you talk about door number two. Your intuition KNOWS. It really does. The problem is, our minds are very loud. It might be more practical to take door number one but it would not give you any energy. Door number two sounds scary but exciting. In this case, door number two should be the obvious choice. Is door number two too scary? Maybe you could talk to this person about options how to get to door number two in less scary ways.

The person you are talking to might not be the dreamer you are and tell you all about the sense it makes to choose door number one. But the more they talk, the more you sag. You feel the energy draining. You feel anxiety, and not in a good way. If they do support your more difficult but more exciting choice, you’ll feel opportunity, you see more options, and you’ll feel energized to go ahead and try.

So don’t ever do what they tell you to do but feel what you feel when you talk to them. If this is something that is super difficult for you, try to train this sense of intuition. Try it on the smaller stuff. Ask someone; what do you think I should eat? Sushi or hamburgers? If they say hamburgers and you really wanted sushi you immediately feel it. Thank them for their input and do your own thing. You could even ask someone to do this knowingly. You don’t have to trick them into practicing with you. Just ask them to help you. They’d love to. I assure you.

If you’ve always tried to please people in whatever you do or choice you make, you’ll be afraid your new choice might hurt someone in some way. If people care about you, and they probably do, they’ll want you to be happy. Really. If that means you have to move to the other side of the planet, they’ll cheer you on. This is the right choice for you and they should support that choice. As long as you don’t purposely hurt them, they should deal with their own feelings of sadness about you leaving. Metaphorically or literally.

A Pro and Con list

I’ve really never been a fan of this method. For some people this works great. But the Pro and Con list is mostly about factual stuff and not feeling stuff. Your brain is so focust on protecting you, so your list of Cons might be full of unrealistic fears or unimportant details.

It could help you figure out what a certain choice entails, and that might help you see the bigger picture, but leave it at that. Don’t look at the length of the list. If the list of Cons is huge but full of unimportant things, one Pro should win over this Cons list if it feels like the right thing to do.

Does it help the people you love?

“If I go for door number two, I’m abandoning the people I love”. That might be true. But your happiness is most important in your life. If helping these people makes you unhappy in any way you will not be able to keep up with that forever. You might get sick yourself (mentally or physically) and become ‘useless’ to anyone. Or you say: yes but I’m the only one that can do it. You’re probably not. It might feel like you’re the only one that can do it but if you look further, you’ll find other options. Ask yourself, do you want to be unhappy in helping the people you (should) love or be happy and help many others. There are always options. And if helping these loved ones makes you truly happy, there is no problem but since you’re reading this, it’s probably not making you happy so go and find other options for them and most of all, for you. A happy person adds much more value to their surroundings than an unhappy person.

Forgive yourself for ‘wrong’ choices

If you’ve made ‘the choice’ and regret it: Pivot. Figure out what made this choice the wrong choice and change paths. It’s fine. If you wanted to go into teaching but hate the school you work at, is it the school system? Is it the kids? Is it the colleagues? Is it the location? You don’t have to quit teaching but try a different school, a different age group. Start the process again and feel what feels right. Accept that there was a reason for this choice and discover what was right about it this time and what went wrong. Maybe you just got some bad luck this time. If you discover that you really miss what you did before you made this choice, figure out what it is you miss and focus on that. Don’t run back to your old situation because it feels safe. There are other options.

And just try and try again. You’ll get better at recognizing this sense of rightness and you’ll get older. Everything will be fine. Just don’t stay in a bad situation for too long because like Einstein said: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.